Coping with Loss

Understanding the grief process

After the loss of a loved one, we react in complex ways that are influenced by factors such as our biology, emotional life, family, and spiritual and cultural values. The grief process is extremely personal and will look different for everyone, depending on age, gender, cultural values, and the context and nature of the loss.

There are several stages to grief, and they are not necessarily linear. Working through the process often involves periods of back-tracking. Recognizing and talking about these feelings is vital to getting through this difficult period.

The stages of grief

  • Shock and denial: An initial reaction to loss that is often accompanied by feelings of emotional numbness or detachment.
  • Anger: We may experience feelings of outrage and resentment, sometimes accompanied by guilt.
  • Bargaining: A period where we may make irrational attempts at negotiating or bargaining in order to feel better or change the outcome.
  • Depression: A time of profound sadness and questioning.
  • Acceptance: When we begin the process of adapting, rebuilding and moving forward.

Getting Help

Why and when to ask for help

Why and when to ask for help

Sometimes, there are complications in the grief process.

The following questionnaire is designed to help you detect if someone is experiencing any possible complications. If you answer yes to most of these questions and notice symptoms that persist for more than two years following the loss, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.

  • Do you have strong reactions when talking about the deceased?
  • Have you noticed an absence of reaction, or a persistent sense of indifference or emotional numbness?
  • Do you experience intense feelings of grief over relatively minor events, losses, or separations?
  • Do you stay overly active in order to avoid any repressed ideas or feelings?
  • Are you unable to part with any of the deceased’s belongings?
  • Do you tend to idealize or glorify the deceased to an extreme?
  • Do you have symptoms similar to those of the deceased?
  • Are you obsessed by the deceased?
  • Do you have any extreme fears related to the cause of death (illnesses, cars, specific stretches of road) or to places associated with death (hospitals, funeral homes, etc.)?
  • Have you noticed any new physical problems?
  • Do you have a lot of anxiety about your own death or that of others?
  • Are you in a constant state of depression, anger, or euphoria?
  • Are you unable to experience certain emotions that are specific to grief?
  • Are you unable to talk about the deceased and any emotions related to their death?
  • Do you tend to isolate yourself and have a fear of intimacy with others?
  • Do you have persistent thoughts of suicide?
  • Do you use drugs or any other addictive substances?
  • Do you suffer from persistent sleep problems?
  • Have you become hypersensitive to loss and separation?
From La psychologie de la mort et du deuil by Josée Jacques, 1998

Beyond the context of mental illness, there are 4 recognized types of complicated grief:

Absent grief: An individual doesn’t allow themselves to openly react to the loss and they carry on as if nothing has happened. They may develop physical symptoms related to their unresolved grief and this absence of emotion can last for years.

Delayed grief: Feelings of grief appear long after the death of a love one. Often, the grief process was delayed in order to deal with immediate issues surrounding the situation—but the grief process can’t be put off indefinitely. At some point, something seemingly unrelated to the initial loss will trigger these emotions and grief is then experienced in a more excessive and painful way.

Inhibited grief: Feelings of pain and sadness are avoided and replaced by other emotions such as anger and guilt, which are experienced to an extreme. These exaggerated emotions serve as a distraction and keep the individual from processing their sadness.

Chronic grief: The period of mourning does not appear to end. Individuals may be aware that their grief is unduly prolonged but are nevertheless incapable of moving forward without experiencing intense feelings of guilt.

Books
Aimer, perdre et grandir. Assumer les difficultés et les deuils de la vie

Jean Monbourquette: Editions Bayard-Centurion

Vivre après la mort de son enfant – des parents témoignent

Josette Gril: Albin Michel, 2007.

Vivre un deuil

Corporation des thanatologues du Québec:

Les saisons du deuil

Josée Jacques: Éditions Québécor, 2006.

Le deuil après suicide

Michel Hanus: Maloine, 2004.

100 réponses sur le suicide des adolescents

Valérie Samouel: Pierre Satet, 2006.

Accompagner des personnes en deuil – l’expérience de centre François Xavier Bagnoud

Alain Bercovitz: Erès, 2003.

Associations and links
Voici une liste de services fort utiles que l’on peut retrouver dans la région Brome-Missisquoi.
ÉQUIPE D’ACCOMPAGNEMENT AU DIAPASON; COWANSVILLE,

cssspommeraie.diapason@rrsss16.gouv.qc.ca
(450) 266-4342

ASSOCIATION QUÉBÉCOISE DE PRÉVENTION DU SUICIDE

www.aqps.info

L’ASSOCIATION QUÉBÉCOISE DES PARENTS VIVANT UN DEUIL PÉRINATAL;

www.parentsorphelins.org
(514) 686-4880